I didn't get the breastfeeding journey I longed for...

The one that I assumed would be so natural and easy...

The one that I hoped to stay on for as long as we wanted...

The one that that I'd have the liberty to opt out of whatever we felt necessary...

I was 4 wks postpartum.I was informed the only way to speed up the recovery of my injury was to dry up my milk, as we’d discovered the injury was caused by a rare pregnancy hormone condition - called Transient Osteoporosis, with no real answer on how to treat it…But that this could significantly aid recovery or it could be 3+ months on crutches! I had the toughest decision to make. One that I wasn’t expecting to make so soon on our breastfeeding journey.

The pain started around 34 wks pregnant, by 35 wks I was on crutches and as the weeks went on and my baby girl grew, the pain became unbearable. We (myself, OBGYN, Physio & Midwives) had all been of the belief that it was a case of very sore hips that should dissipate post birth. Being a 1st time mum I didn’t know what level of ‘normal’ sore hips was. We were all a bit perplexed as to why it was all so painful.

There was no treatment that could alleviate the pain, we had all just assumed it was the relaxin hormone was in overdrive. None of us knew what was really happening until about 2 weeks post-birth when I was able to get an X-ray.

My hip was fractured. I’d made it to 38 wks and I recall the moment clearly, sitting, standing were beyond uncomfortable. I was showering and the pain just sky rocketed, it didn’t make a sound, I crawled naked out of the shower to call my husband and we made it to the hospital to be induced later that night…I entered in a wheel chair and left with a full heart and a broken hip (unbeknown to me at the time) in the same chair.

To simply sit or lie to feed was excruciating, the cluster feeds felt impossible and the sad thing was, it wasn’t the breastfeeding so much, I loved it, although that had its own challenges but it was my damn hips…

I cried, I cried for 2 days trying to decide what to do…I felt selfish, I felt like I’d failed her already. I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. I made the decision to dry up the milk and boy was it a tough one. My hip recovered by 50% in 1 week. Within 3 weeks I was completely mobile. When I knew my baby's belly was full, it was the right decision for baby & mama. #fedisbest

Breastfeeding is incredible. It's so beautiful. It's magical. Being able to feed our children from our bodies is simply miraculous... But it's often not without it's challenges. It's not something that any mother should feel shame about if they can't or don't choose this option. Judgement on how long or how little they feed for, should be spared... It's not always easy, it's not always natural, it's not always an option, it's not for everyone and it's anything but a competition...

Everyone has a story, what’s yours?

Words; Renee Melizza

Find more musings and follow Renée on Instagram at @dear_darling_xo